A Twenty-Something's Coming of Age Saga

So, I’m done. With college I mean. In retrospect that intro was literally the most anti-climactic beginning ever. The sad part that’s sort of how it felt to finally be done, anti-climactic. However, the absolution of stress came after finishing my last ever Statistics final (let’s just say Math and I have had a heinous relationship over the years, there’s no trust there man). Then there was finance, a foreign language I was actually okay with interpreting. Let’s be honest once you get rid of conjugation and pronunciations tainted by my Wonder Bread-esque language abilities you have a manageable workload. Then there was Competitive Dynamics; an enigma from the beginning. A balancing act attempted by a person who can barely stand on one foot for more than 30 seconds. That’s a relatively small snapshot into my reality for the last six weeks. I’ve been a shell of my former self, maybe it was this summer heat. I actually feel like I’ve been melting. Once I walked out of the testing center for the last time I sort of had that memory montage go through my head. You know the one they always show right before a character experiences a life-threatening action scene or, in the midst of an emotion filled depression. It’s the reminder to the audience of everything the character has to live for. That sort of happened for me.

It started with the summer of my senior year of high school. My friends and I ditched school to go study at the beach. Well… they were studying. I had dropped out of IB and my only responsibilities at the time involved applying to college which I had completed already (the community college application process isn’t quite as rigorous as one might expect) and studying for AP’s (something I never really attempted). From there it jumped to George’s garage and our first hookah experience; I remember forcing everyone to try Mint. My selling point was we wouldn’t smell as much like tobacco. In retrospect not really a sound argument but, who cares? Then there was Insidious (I couldn’t tell you what number) bowl after bowl of Jalapeno Cheetos, screaming bloody murder whenever something jumped out, and being afraid to get in my car for fear of axe murderers making an appearance in the backseat of my Elantra. Then everyone coming to my house as I left town. I backed out of my driveway and watched in my rearview mirror a bunch of kids waving like idiots. I knew in that moment everything would be different. It’s funny when you actually recognize those moments as they’re happening.

They say life is cyclical in nature but, I feel like it’s hard to imagine a shape that’s comparable to the ups and downs life seems to put us through. To me life is exactly like the charts they use to study the price of stock. Looking at it you just see a line going up and down continuously. The causation being these unforeseeable events, facades, and literal drops closely followed by a seemingly steep climb. Every plateau is short-lived but, a welcome reprieve however brief it may be.

This montage listed every event possible, Fall Out Boy concert, shitty dates, the vinegar-incident, camping trips, sleeping on the ground, auditions, Valentine’s Day plans, funeral, St. Augustine, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, cemetery, birthdays, friendships beginning, friendships ending, arguments… so many arguments, tears…so many tears.

As I walked into the blisteringly hot June sun, along with the beads of sweat starting to form on my neck I felt the overwhelming anxiety I had held inside for the last three weeks slide down my body. The memories running through my head matched the rhythm my cheap Target sandals made on the sweltering pavement. I finally made it to my car threw in my backpack and turned on Pandora the stupid radio started playing “Oceans,” and I broke down. She was there, I knew it. I felt her. It’s always annoying how that happens.

You know that feeling you get in your chest when emotions happen? I hate that feeling. It’s completely tainted for me. I’m that person who loves watching audition videos. You know that Underdog type shit. The seemingly unobtrusive individual who looks relatively normal and then they open their mouth and they are so incredibly talented that you feel emotions? Videos of babies, when they fall or, laugh. Reunions; the kind where someone has no idea their loved one is around the corner and the expression of sheer surprise and amazement. God it gets me every time. If there were to ever be a fly on the wall while I’m watching these videos (in case no one knows there are actual video reels on YouTube for insane people like me to visually consume) they would think I’m actually crazy.

I take on this completely weird personality that is very unlike my actual-self. It’s the hype version of Leah, we’ll refer to this person as Tia (I’m feeling inspired after the Starbucks cashier dubbed me Tia this afternoon and somehow it fits). Tia, will literally watch a video and be like, “OMG YASSSS GIRL.” “HOLY SHIT SHE DIDN’T.” “YASSS LORD, SHE IS A SNACK.” Then when the emotion gets too much, when I start to get the feels, that feeling in your chest and the tears form in your eyes…I actually throw my phone. Not a rage fueled throw; more like a slightly less enthusiastic softball toss, an egg-toss like lob, that inevitably falls into something soft. (Like my bed or, a towel on the floor of my bathroom because yes, I watch videos while I’m on the toilet who doesn’t?) Except that one time. It’s fine though, I bought a new tempered glass replacement for like $10 and we don’t have to talk about it. Let’s just say I’ve refined my technique since then because I can’t afford to be buying replacements all the time.

Now that we’ve discussed my actual aversion to the feeling of feelings (yes, that was the most eloquent way I could explain that) you all know what I did. I turned my radio off. I didn’t have time for those things at that point. All I had time for in that moment was Zaxby’s…which explains why I’m pretty sure I gained 10 pounds in the last month I spent trying to graduate college. I’m a stress eater we all know this about me or, if you didn’t you do now. I got back to my apartment and I just sat on the couch.

Three weeks before I had made this list in my head of all the things I would do once I finished college. Visit all of my friends, go out and drink excessive amounts of alcohol, apply for a million jobs but, in that moment I was completely devoid of all emotion, all motivation, all of it was gone. I realized I was in the same place I was five years ago. It wasn’t even like Robert Frost’s forked path idea of life. It’s more like a mathematical viewpoint, an infinite number of ways I could go.

My reasons for going to college are numerous but, I almost feel like it was even divide of expectations. My parents both went to college and sacrificed so much to provide for me. They didn’t want me to worry about anything. Which is more than I can say for so many young people. To spurn that sacrifice would be a complete waste of my potential.

When you go to high school with these young people who are extremely intelligent you’re exposed to the actual reality of education but also the reality of success. There are some people that have everything come to them easily. What is seemingly impossible to you is a concept grasped within minutes by another. The equalizer however pertains to their drive. So many of my friends are incredibly talented and intelligent but what makes them successful is how fucking motivated they are. So many people I went to school with are entering medical school, becoming engineers, and lawyers. Yet there are others with the same level of intelligence who are still at the same place we all were five years ago.

When Emaleigh passed away it wasn’t just losing my best friend that was so incredibly hard to deal with. On that day the world lost a future nurse. A young woman who was so motivated to succeed that she inspired a mantra that lives with me to this day. She taught me to never settle for anything, to never spurn my potential. So many teens would have killed for my privilege to have everything that was given to me. Even when I was stressed out and feeling like I couldn’t do it I always had her in the back of my head telling me to suck it up. Telling me that I could do anything I set my mind to.

The majority of my college career was spent trying to prove Emaleigh right but also to prove it to myself. When you finally accomplish a goal you’ve been working towards for five years and you accomplish it, it’s supposed to be this incredible feeling. An elated state of being that transcends everything you’ve ever felt but, I really just felt relief. I’d finally proved to myself that I could do it…that I was good enough.

When you enter adolescence, you’re given these roles you can choose from. A choice is almost thrust upon you that defines you. It’s something you feel you have to constantly live up to or, a skin of sorts you feel like you’re forever trying to shed. It doesn’t have to be one or, the other. People are nothing if not enigmatic. We are many things. I was the bookworm. I was also the fat girl. People painted me as this super intelligent being. People told me I wasn’t beautiful. Neither of these things are right. These ideas are presented as if they are black and white; you either are or, you aren’t. However, ideas are anything but concrete. Intelligence is presented in so many different ways; as is beauty. The only thing that matters in its entirety is the confidence I have in my abilities. I am smart and I am beautiful. I am accomplished and I am unique. We all have different strengths and weaknesses.

It's funny because I watched this movie by Amy Schumer last night it’s called “I Feel Pretty” its plot is pretty applicable to my mindset these past few years. Amy Schumer/Renee has this altered sense of self-worth, she sees all these beautiful people given crazy opportunities and she’s intimidated. She hides herself in public, shrinking into the background as much as possible. It’s frankly sad to watch because that was literally me a few short years ago. She suddenly hits her head and basically acquires this insane amount of self-confidence because she thinks she looks like a model. She creates all of these situations that are low key embarrassing but pulls them off with this incredible amount of self-confidence. Schumer is driving home this point that confidence is more attractive than any physical being could ever be. People are attracted to realness. The raw unadulterated concept of not giving a fuck is incredible to witness firsthand and it makes up for any pre-conceived notions based on physical appearance.
     Society puts us in a box but, we ourselves make the conscious decision to stay in that box. Even when we are physically able to get the hell out of there. Don’t ever think your place in life is someone else’s fault. Complacency is a perpetual acceptance that nothing can change. I never want to feel trapped. My journey post-graduation has been eventful. I’d be lying if I said I’m not scared shitless. I’m scared that I’ll never amount to anything, I’m scared of being stuck, and I’m scared of settling but, I told myself a long time ago to never let my fears keep me from making an attempt. The true meaning of failure comes from a lack of trying. Never take what life gives you at first glance because you always have a choice. Choose what makes you happy but, also understand success won’t happen all at once. It’s a ladder of sorts. Each rung is its own personal battle; accept that challenge for what it is and embrace the journey itself. Enjoy life; never ever forget your purpose, never forget your worth.