An Untitled Legacy

There was a time when I was so inexplicably angry. At what had happened, at every situational factor, and I couldn’t process anything. How could something like this happen? How was I going to get through life without one of my best friends? I couldn’t answer these questions because frankly I couldn’t even say the words out loud. For years I went through life trying to forget, I saw my friends year after year seemingly deal with it and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Why was it so impossible for me to push past this event?

In a lot of ways Em was the first friend I had who completely understood me. My insecurities were her insecurities and at a time when I felt as if no one was on my side, she was there. We shared our deepest secrets and our biggest fears. In the midst of one phone call all of that changed. My friend was gone forever and the future I had planned, the accomplishments and milestones we were supposed to experience collapsed around me. 

After all these years I realize I not only lost my best friend that day, but also my sense of security. For a long time after that I lost myself. I wrapped my identity in this cocoon of grief that I couldn’t rid myself of. It brings me back to the most painful memories of my life. We all stood in this room not believing that Em was in that coffin and then we saw her. Her Mom held me while I cried. I don’t think I’ve ever broken down so completely in front of that many people in my life. I let go of everything I had been feeling and it exploded out of me in this seemingly cataclysmic way. 

When I was kid, I used to take a rubber band between my thumb and fore-finger and snap it on my brother’s leg. I would slowly pull until the tension between the band felt so taut it threatened to split in two. At the last moment I would let it go, leaving an angry red welt on his skin. One time I pulled the band too tightly and all of a sudden it popped. The band itself ripped and I remember looking down to see the welts rising on my own fingers rather than my brother’s knee where I intended. 

The day of Em’s viewing I snapped and just like that rubber band I split in two separate pieces. I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried gluing a rubber band back together, but it’s basically impossible. It’s never as secure or, as strong as it was previously. You can tie it, but it’s smaller and fragmented, rough around the edges. It was then that I realized how quickly life could change and that what had happened was reality, there was no fixing it. My best friend was gone. 

I used to cry in the shower. I would make the water as hot as I could stand and put my face underneath. The water would envelope me completely, shutting off my senses like that helped to alleviate the pain I was feeling. It felt like I could get away, I could lose it and no one could hear, they wouldn’t know how truly sad I was. 

Over the years I’ve put so much effort into our friends and her family. She believed in these two things more than anyone I’ve ever met. That’s why every year I celebrate her birthday, I go to the Christmas Cookie party (the girl loved her some Christmas too), I spend time with her parents and our friends as much as I possibly can.

Outlining all the things I do isn’t some ploy for recognition, it’s the way I keep her memory alive. It’s how she stays a part of my life even when she’s not here. There were so many things I lost that day, my innocence, my security, and a small part of myself, but the one thing I didn’t lose was her. She is forever with me. There are moments I feel her presence or, I experience something she would love and I know she’s right there watching over me I may be a broken rubber band, but regardless of how many times I have to tie myself back together I will remain strong.

There are so many people in this world who have experienced inexplicable tragedies. Parents have lost their children, there is abuse, and violence wrought throughout. We masque our anguish with joy and after darkness eventually comes the light. Life promises us nothing, your reality is nothing less than the effort you put in. 

Em’s family and friends, we’ve put in a lot of effort to make life okay again. We’ve struggled to understand why this happened and why such a vivacious young woman was taken so suddenly from us. I don’t think we’ll ever grasp the why, but I think the majority of us have chosen to make this dark path about more than what happened to us. We use it as an opportunity to spread Em’s light wherever we can and to never take the moments we’re able to share for granted. 

Em always told me to never settle. I refuse to make this a typical story about loss, I’m not going to settle for a couple of memories or, moments. I’ve chosen to create this life for myself and embrace everything it has to offer. To embody her positivity and to live my truth is the best way I can think of to make her proud of me. 

Sending so much love to those who are hurting. Time is your greatest enemy, but it will eventually become your greatest ally. Ride out that storm you’re experiencing, it will make you stronger than you ever thought possible.