The (Unfinished) Story of Us

It’s almost funny to me how friendships happen. When you first meet someone it seems to be a trivial event, an occurrence of everyday. It is only down the line that you realize how monumental those minutes of conversation were in the long run. Honestly I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment all of us became a family or, even the exact moment I met each of them. What I can say for certain though is we are closer than any friendship I’ve ever encountered. I’ve never met a group of people so different from each other but so accepting of the unique personalities and beliefs we each hold.

While I can’t remember the moments of introduction to each of my friends I do remember vividly the memories in which I realized that we were connected. When I say connected I mean we all shared one thing in common, Emaleigh.

A couple of weeks ago I was discussing with Maria the what-ifs of our situation. What would have happened if Emaleigh hadn’t died, would we still be as close? Would we have slowly ripped apart at the seams our friendships fading into a relationship filled with half-ass excuses as to why we couldn’t grab coffee or, get lunch? Would we be where we are today, an almost family-like demeanor surrounding our gatherings, laughing, crying, and talking for what seems like ever. Time passing in an antithesis like fashion, a slow build-up until hours have passed and it’s time to go home.

All of us would give anything to have Emaleigh, to take back everything that’s happened. To not have to endure months of grief and regret but that’s what life has given us. This big bowl of reality filled with happiness and pain. We’ve begun to find a balance more than a year after her death but we are still derailed when a reminder surfaces. When we visit a place or, smell her perfume, it all comes back. It’s fresh and not in the exhilarating kind of way in the way a broken bone that has healed aches with the coming rain. We are reminded that our wounds can never fully heal.

I remember the first time Mara and I hung out together just by ourselves, no Emaleigh. She spent the night at my house; we ate an entire watermelon by ourselves and that night we talked. I’ve known Mara since my freshman year in high school and we knew each other pretty well but in the conversations we had that night I realized I was not the only one who lost my best friend, I wasn’t the only person going through any of this, I was one of many. In that moment I realized what Emaleigh had created, that even though she was no longer here with us she had left so many precious things behind. Not material possessions but people.

I doubt she realized what she was doing at the time, or maybe she did. Who the heck knows at this point but, even though physically she was no longer here, she left some of the greatest people I know. A group of completely selfless individuals, a prime example of the definition of the word “family”.

In the last year we’ve been dealt a hand filled with an overwhelming amount of reality but, through everything we’ve stayed together. We all make it a priority to spend time during the holidays and breaks. Two of us live in different states and everyone else is scattered around Florida and yet when we are all in the same room it’s as if no time has passed, no events have occurred, we’re all still 18 and completely carefree, reality no longer an obstacle. I will forever have a bond with these people, they are the only ones to see me completely for who I am.

Thursday I was at Emaleigh’s house after attending church with her parents and Mara. For the first time in a year and a half I went into Emaleigh’s room, her mom showed me our “Goals for 2014” list from our New Year’s Eve party. One of the last times most of us were together. This party is that scene in the movies where everything is great, the calm before the storm, the rising action before the climax, before the conflict. We were all so happy. The cliché sentence that it seemed we were in an alternate universe is applicable in this situation because it did seem exactly like that. You always hear how life gets hard after you graduate, that everything changes, that reality sucks. It’s always because no one is ready to accept the responsibility of becoming an adult, of having a plan for your future after having your mom give you lunch money for the last 12 years. That’s not what it was though.

We all made goals in 2014, each one of us wrote something down on that list. Whether it was a joke about actually having a date for next year’s party, getting lucky or, a promise to stand up for yourself, we planned to have an eventful 2014. On that night we were completely unaware of what reality was, reality wasn’t something we were afraid of, but we should’ve been. Our only familiarity with the concept had to do with television shows featuring half-assed story lines and people covered in fake tans and denim underwear, I mean shorts. Reality wasn’t something we were afraid of, but we should’ve been.

Being 19 years old I was not ready for my best friend to die, how can someone even be prepared for such a thing? There was no handbook someone could give me on how to grieve, on how to get through life without thinking about it. Each one of us was completely alone because even though we had each other we were all separated.

At the end of the weekend, after the funeral was over we drove back to our empty dorm rooms that were completely void of distractions. No errand to run, no itinerary to keep, just you and your thoughts. A scarier prospect than I’m willing to completely reminisce on.

When Facebook asks you, “What’s on your mind?” do you tell it? Do your friends and family really want to know? When someone asks you what you were doing last weekend how do you say you state nonchalantly that your best friend passed away in a car accident? The answer to the first question is no, they don’t want to see that, they don’t want you to bring down their day but, where else can you vent? The answer to the second question is similar to the first. There is no way to say that in a way that doesn’t get you that pitying look, that doesn’t make you feel like a drama queen. You try to rationalize your decisions, you try to brush off those feelings of inadequacy and keep going. You want someone to ask you how you’re doing until someone actually does. Once the topic is broached you try to answer without bursting into tears so you just mumble something generic while blinking so they won’t see you cry.

2014 was something of a lost year for me. I lost myself, I lost who I used to be. I will never be that Leah again, none of us will. In my sorrow I found a strength that I didn’t think existed. I found a family that was outside my bloodline. And I found grief that will never fully dissipate.

It’s the scars we have on our hearts that connect us together, that make us more family than friends. We all remember the separate phone calls we received, the heartbreaking phone calls we had to make, the emotions we experienced, comforting each other at the funeral, telling stories at the bonfire after the service. Those moments during the viewing when each of us broke down completely in front of each other, the walls we put up to protect ourselves from the pain dissipating completely in a cloud of raw hurt that each of us felt. In that moment no one understood my feelings more than you all because no one else had a relationship with Emaleigh like you all.

I began this blog piece almost two months ago now, its taken me that long to think of a way to end my story but as I sit here I remember all the memories we made this summer. It makes me happy, since Emaleigh died I’ve been searching for myself, trying to find who I should be, what I should do. I think I was looking for a way to replace her but, I now realize it wasn’t about her. She is and always will be my best friend, she showed me what true friendship really is but the past year and half hasn’t been about grieving for her. It’s been about finding who I am without her and I have.

I am almost 21 years old, I am insecure about a lot of things, I constantly compare myself to others but, I’ve come to realize just how worthy I am. I’ve realized how much I love life, how much my family and friends mean to me and that no matter my feelings about myself they will always be there for me. I’m confident in who I am now and Emaleigh made me face that.

Thanks to everyone who could be there for me on my journey, I love you all <3!