The Never-Ending Story

Dear _________,

            I still remember the first time I saw you, it wasn’t even in person, it was just a photo. I remember clearly because you caught my eye, my friend told me you guys were close, translation “it’ll never happen without ending our friendship.” For me that was the beginning of an ongoing test to stay away from you.

            I knew my friendship with her was more important to me than my attraction to you so I distracted myself. I distracted myself by making you guys happy together. I became your friend; I wanted the best for you and for her. I created a bigger problem for myself because as I got to know you I realized the attraction I had wasn’t just physical, I became attracted to your sense of humor, and ironically enough to the way your cared for my best friend.

            She broke your heart, I remember because it was the first time I felt more loyalty to you than to her. I wanted so badly to fix everything but girl code said I couldn’t be friends with you anymore. I guess I broke girl code.

            I remember the first time she asked me if I liked you, I lied. I lied because I knew I could never hurt her like that, I lied because I knew I would never do anything about it, I lied because I was ashamed of the feelings I had for you. Not because you were a bad guy but because I was I ashamed of myself for betraying my friend like that.

            I distanced myself because of those feelings, I was leaving for college it was an easy course of action to take and it made sense for my friendship. We gradually spoke less and less and even though I still had feelings for you it wasn’t hard for me put them aside and live my new life.

            The first time I came home for a visit, she asked me about you. Again she asked how I felt about you and again I lied. Then she told me the unthinkable, you had confessed to have feelings for me too.

            In my wildest dreams I never imagined you would feel the same way, things like that don’t happen to me. It was all I could do to act as if it didn’t matter, to be nonchalant, to hide all of the questions I had. In the same breath she assured me you guys were getting back together and it was going to last this time.

            To say that my heart dropped is an understatement, I almost robotically stated my happiness for the both of you. I knew that even though we had a moment, it had already passed. I’d missed a chance I didn’t even know that I had.

            Back at school you haunted me, I knew I had to come clean. I knew I needed to tell her, I told myself she would understand. How wrong was I.

            I told her everything; she didn’t take it very well. Before this our friendship was in a neat little bow and this event untied that, unraveled the bow until it was no longer joined but completely separate pieces of ribbon.

            Eventually the two of you broke up and we all went out separate ways. Last summer I reached out to you, it was like no time had passed. We talked on the phone for hours. The feelings I still had for you bubbled under the surface.

            My biggest regret is even though I had my second chance I still choked. Instead of telling you how I felt I let it fizzle, I psyched myself out. Because even though I knew at one point you had feelings for me I was afraid that you didn’t feel the same way anymore. I’ve never heard you say it or, really even hint at. Sometimes I think she just made it up, I guess I’ll never know.

            Maybe this whole scenario was made up in my head; maybe my feelings were just a part of the fantasy. People tell me I’m non-committal; the thought of giving myself to one person scares me. Maybe that’s why I picked you; it was safe to choose the person who I couldn’t be with.

            2016 for me is all about closure, I want to close this chapter in my life but a part of me can’t seem to shut the door. If I’m being honest with myself I’ll probably always leave it cracked, just in case.

            At the beginning of this story I meant to write an ending but, I’ve just realized I can’t end a story that never even began.

                                   

  -Leah Q.