The Never-Ending Story

Dear _________,
            I still remember the first time I saw you, it wasn’t even in person, it was just a photo. I remember clearly because you caught my eye, my friend told me you guys were close, translation “it’ll never happen without ending our friendship.” For me that was the beginning of an ongoing test to stay away from you.
            I knew my friendship with her was more important to me than my attraction to you so I distracted myself. I distracted myself by making you guys happy together. I became your friend; I wanted the best for you and for her. I created a bigger problem for myself because as I got to know you I realized the attraction I had wasn’t just physical, I became attracted to your sense of humor, and ironically enough to the way your cared for my best friend.
            She broke your heart, I remember because it was the first time I felt more loyalty to you than to her. I wanted so badly to fix everything but girl code said I couldn’t be friends with you anymore. I guess I broke girl code.
            I remember the first time she asked me if I liked you, I lied. I lied because I knew I could never hurt her like that, I lied because I knew I would never do anything about it, I lied because I was ashamed of the feelings I had for you. Not because you were a bad guy but because I was I ashamed of myself for betraying my friend like that.
            I distanced myself because of those feelings, I was leaving for college it was an easy course of action to take and it made sense for my friendship. We gradually spoke less and less and even though I still had feelings for you it wasn’t hard for me put them aside and live my new life.
            The first time I came home for a visit, she asked me about you. Again she asked how I felt about you and again I lied. Then she told me the unthinkable, you had confessed to have feelings for me too.
            In my wildest dreams I never imagined you would feel the same way, things like that don’t happen to me. It was all I could do to act as if it didn’t matter, to be nonchalant, to hide all of the questions I had. In the same breath she assured me you guys were getting back together and it was going to last this time.
            To say that my heart dropped is an understatement, I almost robotically stated my happiness for the both of you. I knew that even though we had a moment, it had already passed. I’d missed a chance I didn’t even know that I had.
            Back at school you haunted me, I knew I had to come clean. I knew I needed to tell her, I told myself she would understand. How wrong was I.
            I told her everything; she didn’t take it very well. Before this our friendship was in a neat little bow and this event untied that, unraveled the bow until it was no longer joined but completely separate pieces of ribbon.
            Eventually the two of you broke up and we all went out separate ways. Last summer I reached out to you, it was like no time had passed. We talked on the phone for hours. The feelings I still had for you bubbled under the surface.
            My biggest regret is even though I had my second chance I still choked. Instead of telling you how I felt I let it fizzle, I psyched myself out. Because even though I knew at one point you had feelings for me I was afraid that you didn’t feel the same way anymore. I’ve never heard you say it or, really even hint at. Sometimes I think she just made it up, I guess I’ll never know.
            Maybe this whole scenario was made up in my head; maybe my feelings were just a part of the fantasy. People tell me I’m non-committal; the thought of giving myself to one person scares me. Maybe that’s why I picked you; it was safe to choose the person who I couldn’t be with.
            2016 for me is all about closure, I want to close this chapter in my life but a part of me can’t seem to shut the door. If I’m being honest with myself I’ll probably always leave it cracked, just in case.
            At the beginning of this story I meant to write an ending but, I’ve just realized I can’t end a story that never even began.
                                   
  -Leah Q.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Diamonds Are a Girl's Most Sparkliest Best Friend

Love it’s an emotion that has so many different facets it’s impossible to explain every possible definition and explanation for its existence. I’ve talked about the kind of love that turns into marriage, the kind that turns into forever but what about all the other kinds? What do they mean? I suppose  they're  different for every person, obviously the kind of love you have for your Nana isn't reminiscent of the kind you have for your friends, or your "more than a friend." Everything's different, everything has a different sort of evolution, or path that follows different types of turns and directions.  Just like the kinds I  have  for my best friends. I'm one of those people with multiple best friends I don't know if it's because I have multiple personality disorder and each best friend is applicable to each mood or, if I just love a lot... In retrospect it's  probably  a mixture of both.  I have that one best friend I've known forever, Ki...
Read more

Sometimes People Make Me Wonder

Sometimes I wonder what people are really thinking, I like to think there are a set of rules for society. These directions for social etiquette seem like a given but are they really? In a public place do you put your feet all over everything like you’re at home? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve witnessed people walk in places barefoot.  Honestly I find this disgusting first of all people MRSA is a real thing and so is bacteria and second of all you do not know where that floor has been! This statement may make no sense but if you really think about it people walk over all kinds of surfaces, the beach, a sidewalk (where dogs happen to shit excessively), a corporate office or (let’s venture off and assume you live in Oklahoma) a cow paddy. When they walk into your local Starbucks everywhere they have been is now on the floor that you are walking on barefoot. So if you are in a place of food walking barefoot your probably stepped in dog shit, even if it is a really...
Read more

The (Unfinished) Story of Us

It’s almost funny to me how friendships happen. When you first meet someone it seems to be a trivial event, an occurrence of everyday. It is only down the line that you realize how monumental those minutes of conversation were in the long run. Honestly I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment all of us became a family or, even the exact moment I met each of them. What I can say for certain though is we are closer than any friendship I’ve ever encountered. I’ve never met a group of people so different from each other but so accepting of the unique personalities and beliefs we each hold. While I can’t remember the moments of introduction to each of my friends I do remember vividly the memories in which I realized that we were connected. When I say connected I mean we all shared one thing in common, Emaleigh. A couple of weeks ago I was discussing with Maria the what-ifs of our situation. What would have happened if Emaleigh hadn’t died, would we still be as close? Would we have slowly r...
Read more