Fear Is a Fault All Its Own

We all have that one thing in the world that scares us. I’m not talking about the little things, I’m not talking about how heights make me cringe, I’m not even talking about how public speaking makes my face turn red. The fears I’m talking about are the ones that we don’t say aloud, the ones we hold inside, the voices of doubt in our heads. These fears are truly dangerous because they are the voices within in us that tell us we can’t accomplish what we want most in the world. That my friends is truly something to be afraid of.

When I was growing up I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to be the next J.K. Rowling because being the nerdy kid in school, the only identity I felt I had was with my books. As I grew older I completely veered away from who I was, not necessarily because there was a problem with it but because I longed to be something other than the girl who was a bookworm. I think everyone longs to change their identity at some point but, I think what we all forget is that even though we don’t see what’s so special about us, those who matter are the ones who do see it.

My friends and family saw me through the glasses, the braces, and the Harry Potter books. They saw me transform into a young woman, one who puts up an extremely good front, and one who seems so confident but still questions herself. Everyone sees who I am now but no one sees through the façade I’ve created. As a young teenager I felt like a fraud. All of these people saw me as smart and yet I wasn’t the smartest, people saw me as many things but did I feel like I truly identified as one? No, I didn’t.

Still to this day when someone compliments me I feel taken aback. Not because I don’t think I’m pretty but because all of the people’s opinions that I felt “mattered” never told me that. I know I’m beautiful, I know I don’t look the way I used to look and yet I still feel like the ugly fat girl in the corner reading a book.

I’ve come to discover it is truly dangerous to accept the doubtful voices in our heads as fact. It is truly dangerous to become complacent in our identity. It is truly dangerous to look for the faults in others to make yourself feel better. But what is more dangerous than writing down all your faults and fears? Allowing the “facts” in your head to remain as such, because really they are not facts, they are theories, and they are subject to change.

A year ago I felt I had transformed, but looking back now I realize I’ve transformed so many times. From the days when I wanted to pen the next “Harry Potter,” to the days when I felt my intelligence was my identity, and even then to the days I felt like the way my face and my body looked defined my worth. I have come so far and I’m proud of that. I no longer place my worth in one characteristic of me. I realize that everyone in this world has many facets, each one is different and yet each one is beautiful and special in it’s own unique way.

We all have fears, I think that is the one thing in life that connects all people. Some fears are different and some are the same but in the end each one can be faced and each one has the ability to be conquered. I think it’s important to know that the voices in your head can be silenced and the fears you hold close can dissipate, you just have to look them in the eye and see them for what they really are, temporary.