*Blog Full of Complaints, Truths, and Curse Words* A Millennial's Guide to the Dating Underworld

          I first want to preface this blog by saying I am not a man-hater nor am I judgmental of the way some women choose to live their lives. Frankly I could care less about the choices of others, this blog is a representation of my choices so while reading this if something I say infuriates you just remember all statements are applicable to me and me alone, also probs not a good idea to take advice from me. There I said it, my PSA to all who choose to consume this post, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Its come to light recently that dating as millennial freaking sucks. Yes this comes from a place of bitterness and yes I’m sure if I were in a relationship I would feel a significantly larger amount of optimism present in my life but, as we are about to discuss in great detail I am single…single A.F. and therefore bitter…bitter A.F. Besides being bitter I am also socially inept, at well… basically everything…everything that comes with interacting with the opposite sex. The ways in which I have failed at flirting are limitless; I honestly have so many anecdotes filled with cringe-worthy responses and actions that are nothing but my own.

Let’s just say when I was younger my way of showing interest in someone was to act like they didn’t exist…obviously this got me nowhere. So as an adult I have tweaked my methods…now I just use Tinder because to be frank the only people who ever ask me out are middle-aged men.

Tinder has allowed me many opportunities; it makes me feel like I’m dating without actually having to communicate with someone in person, great for mental health let me tell you. It also allows me to feel as if I’m making progress in my life while really accomplishing nothing, leading to no extra responsibility, which leaves me to deal with the rest of shamble-filled life. Dating is an enigma I have obviously failed to figure out, so now that you know where this whole thing is going, I say we start off with a list, because what is a millennial rant without a numerically ranked list of complaints? This list is titled:

3 reasons why Tinder sucks and I need to get my life together

*(I’ve also sprinkled in random bits of advice for the crusty men I find on this fucking site)*

1.     The weird ass mix of people is honestly confusing. They say it’s hard to read people in person; obviously they’ve never tried to figure out attraction based on five photos and 300 characters. I can barely figure out what I want for breakfast in the morning, how am I supposed to figure out if I’m attracted to someone with so little information? You’ve got too many different types on Tinder, the buffed up-steroid using-gym rat, the creepy (yes I know this is racist and I’m sorry) foreign guy, the die-hard redneck, the overtly sensitive and cultured hipster, horn dog frat boys, insecure overweight guys (again sorry), and then occasionally you have a genuine-sounding normalish guy who you will probably match with but will never ever message because #selfrespect/iliketothinkimnotdesperate/whoarewekiddingimtryingtofindaboyfriendontinderbutimstillnotmessagingfirst.

2.     Egos are running rampant on that damn site. If I have one more college athlete tell me how cool he is for being able to throw a ball/run really fast/be amazing in general I think I might scream. I’m just going to say from personal experience my two out of my top three most awkward dates were with semi-professional athletes. I’m not saying every single athlete is a dick; I hate generalizations because they’re all encompassing and completely ignorant of the outliers in a category, but I’m saying in my PERSONAL experience their egos are overwhelming. Yes, I get it you have practice, you lift very large amounts of weight, you get a lot of perks because of what you do but you telling me these things doesn’t make me anymore attracted to you. In fact it’s a huge turn-off, humbleness is extremely sexy and treating me like I’m a game you have to win isn’t going to improve your record, in fact I’m here just to fuck up your stats… you’re welcome.

3.     Don’t assume just because I’m on Tinder that I will sleep with you. I feel that Tinder is a place you can be yourself, if you’re looking to hook-up, by all means live your damn life, I don’t care but men, please stop assuming every single girl on Tinder is that person. Tinder is a profile no? You look at my profile and you gather context clues. I’m sure you didn’t think about what pictures you post or your bio for very long and I’m not saying I spent hours formulating the perfect Tinder info. for your consumption but, I will say that I feel as if it is completely acceptable to assume that I’m not looking for that when my profile has pictures of me with a puppy, fully dressed on the beach, etc. and a bio stating let’s get coffee. What about, “let’s get coffee,” makes it out okay for you to message me asking if you can eat Nutella off my butt? Nothing, although I have to say that if you’re going to be raunchy I prefer things like that, comedic effect is always appreciated over a crude un-thought out solicitation.

So those are the main reasons why Tinder sucks, I’m sure I could go on but it would just end up being monotonous and I would probably just repeat myself therefore making this post slightly less effective. I just want to say Tinder isn’t a completely horrible app. It’s something I use to pass time, I really don’t take it all that seriously, I don’t expect to find someone on here, and to be frank Tinder isn’t the problem, it’s these damn people.

I recently got out of an almost year long on again off again flirtationship. Yes, you read that correctly, we were never actually in a relationship. We talked everyday, there was even a point where we were being monogamous (or we at least mentioned it occasionally) and shockingly enough we met on Tinder.

      He was a really cool person, he was cool with my life choices and even respected them, he was funny, and easy to talk to. It didn’t work out because well, I’d like to say he sucked at communication but, it definitely went both ways. Neither of us knew what we wanted and felt a lot of pressure when the word relationship was brought up but, in the end he couldn’t actually tell me it was over, so I said it for him.

I guess what I’m getting at here is it wasn’t Tinder’s fault that we didn’t work out, as I said we both suck, we both don’t know what we want, we both are selfish and Tinder had nothing to do with that. Tinder was nothing but a medium of communication, an easy way to jump over the awkwardness of new beginnings. I think the true reason why dating as a millennial sucks is because no one ever listens, they hear what you’re saying but they don’t actually care enough to do anything about it. The one thing I can stress is to be up front in your intentions, if you’re not feeling it, say so, if you’re not looking for a hookup, make it abundantly clear, and listen to what people tell you , don’t think that you can change their mind, because are not toys that can manipulate to your will. As a girl trying to date, no…as a woman trying to date, I can only do so much but, when it comes, it comes, whether it came from Tinder or, from that recurring dream I have of an incredibly adorable man approaching me at Starbucks and buying a Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brew for me without having to ask me what I like because he’s noticed me for a couple of weeks and has been building the courage to say something but couldn’t find the….shit I need to calm down.  Anyways… The End.