February 15, 2014

If I’m being honest I dread this day all year. Not because it actually has any meaning to me, it’s sort of just a bookmark; it’s this metaphorical denotation reminding me of the day my entire life changed. Since February 15, 2014 I have not been the same person, that’s not to say I’ve become any less of a person than I was previously it’s just a literal fact. I’m not the same Leah I was 3 years ago; I’ve changed in so many exceptional ways and so have we all. When I say “we” I’m talking about my other family, the one Emaleigh made.

            Five years ago my best friend made a family and not in the typical way. She took people she saw something in, I don’t know what she saw because we were all so young but she saw qualities that none of us ever even noticed.

            First there’s George, our activist. George five years ago was not the same person he is today. Back then he was much more timid and go with the flow but George has grown in exceptional ways. He stands up for what he believes in; he’s an amazing engineering student and a legendary poet. Most recently George has been accepted to Harvard University Graduate School.

            Mara, my best friend, my roommate, the person I annoy the most in this world we weren’t always best friends. Five years ago she was Emaleigh’s other best friend, we would hang out but not without our glue. Now I couldn’t imagine my life without her, even though we both annoy each other incessantly she’s my sister and I love her so much. Mara’s graduating this semester from FSU and I believe strongly that she’s going to step out in the real world, accomplish great things, and become the independent woman I know she is capable of being.

            Maria, I met her 8 years ago on my second day of high school and it’s crazy to think how far we’ve made it since then. She’s grown into this strong and self-reliant young woman that I admire so much. Graduating from USF almost a year ago she just completed her first semester at FSU’s law school, she aspires to be an immigration lawyer.

            Then there’s me, it’s hard for me to be completely self-reflective here but I’ve changed. I was angry, so angry at everything, at what had happened, at how people reacted. I wanted so much for everything to go back to the way it was and frankly I didn’t know how to handle any of it. If I’m being one hundred percent honest I still don’t. I will never understand why she was taken away, I will never comprehend why it was okay for an 18 year old to die, but I have to be okay with never getting those answers.

I guess that’s demonstrative of my own growth, I’ve learned the true meaning of acceptance because even though I don’t think what happened was fair I am so incredibly grateful for the short amount of time I had with her. More so than that I am thankful for her parents and the impact they’ve had on my life. I’ve never seen such a display of strength from anyone let alone a couple who lost their only child. The heartbreak they went through, I hope that I never fully comprehend it.

I remember the day I got that phone call; it was Mara who told me. The words “Emaleigh didn’t make it,” echoed in my ears. My whole world felt like it was spinning I had no idea what to do because I was alone, I was away from home, and I knew I had to help but I didn’t know how. I somehow ended up at the worship service the church camp I was interviewing for held that night. It was a blur of emotion but they played this one song called “Oceans.” It was the song weeks later that George and I ended up playing at her funeral; it’s the song I’m listening to now as I write this. It’s what I listen to when I try to remember because sometimes I forget what it felt like to feel, I constantly stop myself from experiencing any of it because I can’t live my life remembering the past. The only thing I can do from this point on is to move forward to live the way she would have wanted me to. To embody her in everything I do.

            Leah three years ago didn’t know how to handle tragedy. I still don’t, but the difference between me three years ago and me now is I think I would be able to ask for help. I’ve learned to cherish every memory, every friend and family member you have because there are no guarantees. I’ve learned to live my life in a way that my best friend would be proud of because the worst thing I could ever do is to waste the life I’ve been given, to waste my potential, to waste my time being unhappy. The biggest lesson I learned from my best friend was to live, to live like no one is watching and to never settle for anything less than I deserve.

Five years ago Emaleigh Dawn Rivell made an impact on a group of friends who had no idea what would come in the future. She created a family that continues to flourish regardless of her absence or, the miles between them. She may have passed three years ago but she will live on through all of us in everything that we do because she is a part of us, forever and always.