"Never Settle" -EDR

         There’s this house, it’s modest, one story, with a light green door. Small panes cut a semi-circle shaped window in the top of the wood. Opening the door you see a home. Pictures of a little girl are plastered across the walls, her in a ballerina costume, father-daughter photos, senior portraits, they all tell a story of the young woman who used to live there. Crossing the tiled floor you come to the dining room, a dark brown table sits there taking up a majority of the room. This is a table where so many things happened; arts and craft projects, IB essays were written here, tattoos were drawn up on this table, forever inked into skin the same way the memories were inked into our heads.

Vibrant at first glance

but slowly fading

into

blurred lines

a barely discernible image

            Sometimes we as people hold on to objects because we have nothing left to remember a person by. The once bright light, the vivid memories have dissipated with the passing of time. Change becomes the antithesis of remembrance and with this self-reflection leads to an all too painful truth; nothing will remain the same forever.

They say grieving is made up of steps, five to be exact. That makes it sound like there’s actually an end to it all. I’m here to tell you it’s not true. Grief may be made up of five steps but, it’s actually cyclical in nature.

A never-ending infinity loop

 with no end and no beginning;

completely immeasurable and untamable.

Grief is a beast unique to each person it affects

You might take control of it at some point but, when you least expect it you’re overtaken wholly and completely. Overwhelmed in a simplistic and complex kind of way.

            I remember the day we cleaned out Emaleigh’s dorm room. A week before I had been there, sitting on top of her crisply made bed, freaking out about a movie date. Em talked me down, she walked me to his dorm room, and she waved to me as she walked away.

I didn’t know that was the last time I would see her.

And there I was standing in the middle of her room, a place that had held so much life, so much promise but, now it was just empty. The light that used to exist within its four walls extinguished with a turn of the wheel.

            Her mother handed me a framed photo. A frame I had given her for Christmas just a month before. It contained a snapshot of us at our first “Fall Out Boy,” concert together. In retrospect it’s just a frame, an object, it doesn’t mean anything and yet if I were to ever lose it I’d break. The same way the glass of the frame fissured into tiny microscopic lines when I threw it against the wall later that night. I can’t replace the past the way I replaced the glass in that frame. I can’t change what’s happened on that day or, the days following. I’ve discovered I can only move forward.

            Grief it’s this thing I’ve never been able to control. I’ve always felt fine until I’m not. Today is my best friend’s 22^nd birthday. This is a day I’m supposed to be celebrating with her. Every holiday, weekend or, event is this continuous reminder that she’s not here. My life will always have this Emaleigh sized hole in it.

            At the same time I’m not alone in this. There are so many other people who have Emaleigh sized holes in their own lives. I can never begin to think my voice lends to the rest of them but what I can say is that we were all so lucky to have been a part of her short and impactful life.

This day is not a day for wallowing; it’s a day for celebrating.

            Five years ago I ended a flirtationship. I drove to Emaleigh’s house after a whipped cream filled 24 hours, full of pints of Chunky Monkey and our first Tequila shots.

Note: don’t use lemon extract as a chaser; it won’t make the experience as enjoyable as your first tequila shot is supposed to be.

She handed me the pair of shorts I had left at her house and a collage. This collage was covered in half naked men, model jawlines, and abdominal muscles. The words “Never Settle,” were emblazoned across the top. It’s a mantra that I echoed at her funeral, it’s a phrase that represents so much more than getting over a teenage crush.

It’s a saying that encompasses the way Emaleigh lived her life.

It is an idea that has lent itself to a teenager’s dream of becoming a nurse and now it lends itself to the name of a University of South Florida Nursing Scholarship.

            A year ago Neil and Robin began this scholarship; now one year later they’ve raised enough to award it to someone. I am completely amazed and so proud of the impact the Rivell’s have had on my life. They are and always will be my family. Their daughter was and continues to be a huge light in my life. I don’t think I can ever fully put into words how grateful I am, it’s just not possible.

            A couple of days ago I was having a bad day, I hadn’t realized how close Em’s birthday really was, it sort of snuck up on me. Then I looked down at my phone screen and saw that her Mom had called me. I immediately called her back and she answered, “Hi sweetie, I sort of just butt-dialed you.” She explained to me that she was having a bad day as well. We had a conversation about everything that was going on and when I finally hung up I couldn’t help but feel like Em had orchestrated the whole thing. I felt her and whether it was actually her or, just some weird coincidence I felt comforted, I felt safe.

            We all have places and objects we use to remember the memories we want to hold close. Every time I open that light green door I feel her. Every time I look at that dining room table I remember her. But regardless of my feelings the truth of the matter is:

Her memories aren’t a part of those places or, those objects.

Her memory lives in our actions, in our intentions, and most of all in our hearts.

            I just want to say Happy Birthday to my best friend. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I am so glad I met you because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you. I want to say thank you to your parents for raising such an incredible human being and for being a part of all of our lives. They are the glue that holds us all together. This day is a day for celebration not for sadness because Em is another year older but, also because even though she’s not here physically she continues to change lives. As the years go by I have this feeling that her memory will only continue to impact more people. 

Happy Birthday babe, I love you always. <3