Uncharted Territory

          I initially came to this coffee shop intending to read for my leadership class but, after a half an hour of consistent procrastination I’ve decided it’s not going to happen today. I really haven’t blogged in awhile now that I think about it. It’s been like a month. I basically packed all my stuff went home for half a second, came to Tallahassee for a week and then left to go home to escape a hurricane that ended up hitting the place I evacuated to. It’s fine, I’ve honestly come to terms with the way my life works at this point. I’m trying to think of a topic to write about and I’m truly at a loss. Actually wait I’ve thought of something.

            This summer I sort of came to some conclusions about my life. I spent all this time last year getting over someone. A person who really affected me and not in a good kind of way. It was a situation that made me question myself for the first time in a long time. Obviously I’ve questioned myself before, I think that’s really what adolescence is for. It’s a specific period of time in which you feel uncomfortable in your own skin until suddenly you don’t. This was different though, it was a short period of time where I thought someone cared about me in a way that was free of self-doubt and underlying motivations. It was something I thought was real. This was my first heartbreak and it essentially provided me with a reason to shut it all off. It’s made me numb to a lot of feelings and instilled a strong sense of cynicism in my approach to relationships. Part of me was sad but, that feeling eventually lead into rage. I was mad at myself for caring about someone who didn’t care about me. Instead of blaming him for not communicating I blamed myself for letting down my guard.

            Eventually he became this idea of loss for me but the idea became bigger than just him. I finally realized that this weekend, when I spoke to him for the first time in nine months. I used to be so excited to get a text, a snap, an Instagram like, pretty much any form of communication. Yet this new interaction had no feeling associated with it. The butterflies, the excited pangs I felt in my abdomen were no longer there. I felt nothing; I didn’t even care if he responded at all. When I finally realized this it was the most liberating feeling. This sense of relief washed over me in a way that was reminiscent of a spell being broken. I was completely free.

            Everyone walks through life with a story. There are small parts of us that are defined by our life experiences. The past is something that will always affect the human population. I’ve noticed, as I’ve grown older that these past experiences change in interpretation. What was once a huge event in your life changes from tsunami type wave to a wave that barely even knocks you over.  I’m not sure if it’s because you get used to being knocked down or, if your change in direction makes the hit less severe. Whatever the reasoning maybe things will get easier or, maybe they won’t.

            In most cases you’re so young there’s no existing story to tell. For instance the most traumatic thing to happen to me was the installation of yet another thick pair of glasses (they continuously increased in the width as I got older) upon my nose. Yet another year passed in which my mother failed to give me the gift of contacts. It wasn’t until I was older that I understood that life events weren’t marked by the visual evolution of your appearance. The first moment I realized I wasn’t marred by youthful naivety anymore I was 19. Emaleigh dying changed me a lot. Mainly because the person I would go to for everything was no longer present in my life. It was a lack of control that broke me. I realized you can’t control life whatsoever. No matter how hard you hold on things change and not always for the better.

Eventually I would learn that it was not the last event to mar my “perfect” life. I’ve had friends betray me; hell my own heart even betrayed me. At the end of the day all of these events bring me to the same conclusion; life is all about the interpretation. Either the event had a positive outcome or, it’s a lesson that you learn and evolve from. In spite of everything life has gone on, regardless of bad it seems to be I will continue with the same tenacity and perseverance I’ve employed up to this point. Because let’s be honest… I have a long fucking way to go.