When Cold Brew Gets You in the Feels

        So I’m back in Bradenton for the weekend at my old “stomping grounds,” per se…Reality (minus the fancy wordage): I’m just in the same Starbucks I used to hang out in when I went to school here. Nina Simone in the headphones got my Cold Brew to the right at a forty-five degree angle from laptop. In my head this prevents condensation from making its way to my laptop but, really I’m just low-key OCD when it comes to the way things are arranged. Productivity is all about you’re environment or, so I hear. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. I feel like I’ve been in a funk lately. The beautiful yet tragic effects of social media are the continuous life updates of your friends past and present. So many of them are on this path in life that I could never imagine. Hell, it’s not even what they’re doing it’s that they seem to know where they’re going. If I could just get that into that place my anxiety would dissipate exponentially.

            Its funny to me that three years ago I sat in this very spot wondering what my future would hold. I had applied to FSU, procured an apartment situation (that ended up being a situation in and of itself… (“Toilet-seat Debacle of 2015 People”), and I truly wondered if I would ever leave behind what had happened to Emaleigh. Let’s be honest the beginning of my college career was tainted. I will definitely place blame on myself because in the words of Hannah Montana “life’s what you make it.” (God I hate myself for that but I really couldn’t resist) I definitely let that situation bring me down but reality checks aside I had never been through anything like that before. On top of grieving I had friends screwing me over left and right. Frankly my life was a shit storm there for awhile and all I could do was resist the urge to sink deeper into the funk that life and I myself had created.

            Two and a half years ago I moved myself (and all of my emotional baggage) to a completely new place. In that time I’ve become a very different person and I’ve fucked up so many times. I remember my first semester was probably the most stressful time of my life. There was a point where my stomach was literally in knots for a solid three weeks leading up to finals. When I got the news that I received one of the highest grades on my Managerial Accounting Final I cried and then proceeded to drink so much Coconut Rum and Pineapple Juice that I blacked out (luckily it was in my own apartment but shit happens).  Waking up from that hangover and driving back for the candlelight service in honor of Emaleigh and not puking was probably one of the greatest feats of my life (besides that accounting final of course).

            Besides a hellacious number of fuck ups I’ve learned so much about myself. I never have to apologize for being sensitive or, having feelings. I do need to apologize when I’m being a dick…which happens more often than not. I curse way too much. I tell horrible jokes but, I love shitty puns. I’m most afraid of failure. I hate being wrong. I overthink literally everything and seek approval from others way more than I should. I love to sing…in the shower but I have horrible stage fright. My resting bitch face makes people think I’m stuck up but, who knows maybe I am? If I could sit in front of a mirror and do makeup all day I would. This doesn’t make me vain it just makes me a wannabe makeup artist. I love writing; more than anything in this world. I love my family even though I complain about my Dad all the time. My brother is probably the most pure human being I’ve ever come into contact with. I love him in a way I could never put into words. My friends mean so much to me, especially after losing one of my closest. I will never stop fighting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

            All of these statements are parts of me that some people might be aware of and maybe not. At the end of the day I think what we forget is social media is a small representation of reality. People only see what we want them to see. It’s a snapshot of the bigger picture; the edges completely obscured by the edits we ourselves make. One person’s accomplishment does not diminish another’s. At the end of the day life should have substance and meaning. When we assign value to the achievements we lose that substance we worked so hard to acquire and are left with nothing but bitterness.

            I have absolutely no idea what my future holds at this point. I will never stop searching for a place that feels right. This is just the beginning; college was a placeholder, a pause on the way to the actual plot, the rising action. It was an adventure. One filled with so many firsts, complete fuck-ups, and more than enough awkward situations (created by yours truly). In retrospect I don’t think I would have learned so much about myself without all the screw-ups. Here I sit, not perfect but pretty happy. I’m ready for what lies ahead and to see where I end up. I’m on the precipice and it’s time to jump…really not the best comparison considering I’m afraid of heights but I think you get the picture…the full one, the ugly one, the one full of real imperfections. Lets be honest I’m not technologically savvy enough to hide behind a filter.