#SorryNotSorry

Of late I’ve stopped putting myself on a schedule for blogging, normally when the feeling hits me I just go for it, that’s what this post is about. It’s about going for it; it’s about proving a point. This has really been on my mind for a while, I just didn’t realize how much it was bothering me until recently. I’m going to set this up through a story, my story that’s what this whole blogging thing is about anyways.

When I was 19 my best friend died in a car accident. Emaleigh’s death was something unexpected, it was shocking, it was a dose of reality that none of us saw coming and something that I’ve had issues dealing with for a long time. Grief is not something that can be fixed overnight; it’s not something I can just turn on and off. It’s this emotion that rears its head unexpectedly, normally at the worst possible moments. The reason for its reappearance is hard to pinpoint, I’ve begun to deduce on my own that there really is no reason for any of it. You see something that reminds you, it can make you happy, it can make you sad, it can even make you angry and from there you just have to deal with it.

About a month ago was the two-year anniversary of Em’s death. February 15 is a day I dread all year because it was the day my friends and I lost all of our innocence; it was the day our lives changed forever. That was the first real brush I’d had with the darker side of adulthood and I’m still recovering from it.

A week prior to this date I was having coffee with my friend Rachael, there’s just something about Rachael that makes her the best listener I don’t think I could even describe it but I can tell her about anything and not be judged. During this coffee date she said something to me that resonated. She asked me why I feel the need to hide my emotions. It wasn’t a question I’d ever even thought to ask myself. I’m telling her about all these feelings I have, essentially trying to figure out a way that I can just chill out and not be so emotional but, the issue I thought I had wasn’t the actual issue. It was a much simpler answer than I ever expected.

Since this day it’s become apparent that hiding my emotions does nothing for my mental health, in fact it makes my mind more conflicted and complicated than ever before. Society tells us not to be emotional, to go with the flow, to shy away from anything that’s difficult. I’ve spent the last two years of my life trying to hide something that will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I can’t hide from it anymore; I can’t push my emotions to the side in the name of “strength.” I’m done being ashamed that sometimes I just have to cry. I’m done hiding how I really feel in order to make other people not feel uncomfortable.

It’s supposed to be a good thing when someone is able to put their emotions aside and be strong, this is wrong. In my 21 years of living I’ve figured it out it’s much harder to be up front and real about your emotions than it is to keep them bottled up inside. Telling another person how you feel is the epitome of nakedness; it’s an extremely overwhelming and scary feeling. I’ve never been able to be so vulnerable, to be brave in that sense.

I guess the whole point of this post isn’t to say that I’m a changed person; the day I willingly cry in front of someone is not coming anytime soon. What it’s really saying is that I am now unapologetic, I am now unashamed of how I feel. If that bothers you then I suppose you’re the one with the problem.

-Leah Q.