Six Letters; One Syllable

         Change, it’s a word that invokes many reactions. On one hand you have the people who run toward it, they embrace everything it embodies wholeheartedly. Whether it’s an attempt to fix their current reality into something resembling happiness or, to continue that high that allows them to adapt to an ever-changing environment. On the other hand you have people who run from change, who deem it unnecessary, those who find progress an idea of vulnerability that they are unwilling to approach. I can identify with both.

            When Emaleigh died I experienced something I could never have imagined, a rush of emotion coming from all different sides that I couldn’t seem to handle. You’re given all of these issues that you need to fix but unlike a regular problem you can’t find the source. It’s something that seems to be forever unobtainable. I didn’t want change then. I wanted my reality to stay the same, I wanted her to be here, I wanted my friends and I  to be whole, I wanted her parents to witness her ascension into adulthood, I wanted so many things that were no longer an option. My reality had changed forever.

            I ran away from dealing with my problems for a long time, I thought I could just masque everything and do all these things to distract myself, I would not allow myself to feel what I should have been feeling, I would not accept the change that had happened in my life because to accept that change would be to accept that I was vulnerable. It would mean that I didn’t have control, and I hate that.

            It’s taken me a long time to realize change is not my enemy. I viewed life before this as an alternate reality, the pressures of this world weren’t real yet, it was a dichotomy of my romanticized view of my adolescence and my ideas about what adulthood would hold. If it was anything like I had experienced at that point, I didn’t want it, I didn’t want any of it.

            It’s been an extremely long road to get to where I am and it’s all because of this blog, I’ve grown as a person through my writing. It’s something I’m proud of but also ashamed of. I’m proud that I’ve figured out most of my emotions by myself but, I’m ashamed that I couldn’t bring myself to ask for help. I realize now that if I had done so I probably would have found peace already, with everything. Then again maybe I’m wrong, but accepting that as a possibility is another sign of change.

I’ve explained my past view of the idea but my current reality is somewhat different. I went through a time in my life where I ran from it. I clung to the past and even then there was a time when I ran towards it, because I couldn’t continue to be stagnant and unhappy. At this point I think I’ve found a happy medium. A healthy appreciation for change. Change is something I see now as a choice. I can choose to make a positive change, I can choose to make a negative change. It’s all about how you see it.

Don’t let change dictate who you are, don’t let it frighten you or, hold you back. Embrace it and make it your own, that’s the only way you can grow from it.