An Ode to the People I Call My Family

****Disclaimer, I started this blog almost a month ago but I obviously didn’t take the time to finish it until now. Timeliness now being factored in, hopefully the next paragraphs will make a little bit more sense.****

The last two weeks have been this crazy whirlwind kind of experience. My best friend graduated from college and she’s moved out of our apartment. I left for the summer, the first summer where I’ll actually be on my own with no family or, friends to live with. I’m honestly excited and scared shitless by all of these happenings. Seeing Mara graduate was this reality check I wasn’t expecting. It was like this voice in my head kept echoing “Leah your whole life is changing, college is almost over and everyone is leaving.” Dramatic to say the least but, the sentiments are sort of true. I feel like this whole college thing just started, it really doesn’t feel like I left home four years ago. If you’re reading this and rolling your eyes because it’s that cliché “holy shit, I’m getting old” post feel free to click the back button. I won’t even judge you for not wanting to read this because it’s just a blog filled with me whining and realizing that I hate change but, I also love change. Disclaimer, I never said this blog actually made any sense.

            At the present I’m sitting in Bold Bean listening to Marvin Gaye and realizing I really need to cut my fingernails because it’s starting to be hard to type. I’m too cheap to get an actual manicure so I’ll have to see if my Mom has any nail-clippers. I’ve already borrowed her dry shampoo (and received the passive aggressive don’t take my stuff and not put it back note) I really need to stop being that person honestly.

I’ve suddenly come to this realization (after rambling about my surroundings for half a paragraph), it’s not that I don’t want to grow up. I can’t explain how ready I am to have my own money, to be independent. At the same time accepting that time has passed is also this acceptance of change that I’m not ready for.

I just had coffee with Em’s parents and we talked for like three hours. After an hour or two we always end up talking about Em. It’s not this sad thing anymore, they’re really the only people I feel completely comfortable talking about her to because otherwise it feels like I’m being overemotional rather than just catching up, you know? Last year when I left for the summer it was this completely fresh start, I went to a place that wasn’t tainted by Emaleigh. I know that word sounds super harsh but, it was the first time I felt like I had a place that was completely absent of Emaleigh memories. Like I didn’t have to be reminded if I didn’t want to; it felt like the first time I had a choice in the matter. I feel like last summer I allowed myself for the first time to be separated from my grief. At first I felt so guilty, her parents will never have that choice, to turn it off. At the same time I recognized that just because I wasn’t sad all the time didn’t mean I forgot about her.

When something traumatic like that happens and grief takes root as one of your everyday emotions it’s weird to readjust to it not being there. You have this feeling deep in your chest and you try to repress it until it’s not there anymore. Then you just feel indifferent, like there’s supposed to be something there but, it suddenly disappeared and you’re not sure whether it’s a good thing or, a bad thing but it was your reality for so long that it just feels wrong. Last summer I was completely indifferent, until her birthday and then everything hit me at once. I felt like I failed her because I forgot, I fucking forgot about my best friend. How does that even happen? How did I allow that to happen?

****This is the point where I’m picking back up and holy shit I ended on an emo note.****

I think a month in between has given me a better grasp on how I was feeling but expletives aside, that was a heavy realization that “Month Ago Leah,” came to. Like I don’t even know how to get back into that, it’s true though. Everything I said is true, it’s hard to not feel like a piece of shit when you realize you can turn it off anytime you want and people like her parents will always carry that with them. I think I saw it the most during Mara’s graduation, Em’s parents came. It’s a time when you have to be happy for Mara, this is her day, the day the rest of her life begins. At the same time it’s this day that Em’s parents will never get.

A year after Emaleigh died her parents received her nursing degree in Memoriam; that was an extremely emotional moment for them. It was a day Em was working towards since she started high school at Stanton, every all-nighter she pulled to get her IB diploma was a step towards this eventual dream she had to help people. That build up was huge and when that moment ended with her not being the one to walk across that stage, it was sort of a let down. Yeah it meant a lot that everything she worked for wasn’t for nothing but, in the end there’s nothing that can be done to replace that actual moment.

Its not as if this is her parent’s only heartbreak. Our family, “The Posse,” we are Neil and Robin’s link to Emaleigh. All of us followed the same path she was on, we are all a representation of what could have been. Every time one of us graduates, gets a promotion, walks down the aisle we symbolize what could have been. That has to be the most excruciatingly painful things to witness and yet they’ve been there for us through it all.

I remember the first time I thought about the future, it was right after Em’s funeral. Every single one of us went back to Mara’s house, we huddled around a bonfire and the reality of what had happened settled upon all of our shoulders. This new weight we felt was heavier than anything we had ever had to carry in our lives but I’ve seen each one of us walk through life with a strength and determination I aspire to channel one day.

If in the future I acquire half the strength Neil, Robin, or my friends exude I will have succeeded in conquering some concept of self-actualization because these people I’ve had the pleasure of calling my family for the last three years are a true embodiment of what I aspire to be. Each one of them inspires me to succeed in exceptional ways, just as they have.

Mara’s determination to succeed, George’s un-apologetic protest, Arun’s abundant kindness, Maria’s tenacious drive, Neil’s quiet courageousness, and Robin’s exuberant and unfailing ability to love. I will always cherish these people regardless of the tragedy that brought us together I am so thankful for their presence in my life.

This blog is a bit of a downer but I think at the end of the day the ideas within it represent that we are never alone. Going through something of this nature shows you that you are nothing without the people you care about, always remember that.