The Simplistic Musings of a Bitter 22-Year-Old

Forgiveness, it’s this word that seems so simplistic. It’s an idea, a concept, something defined as succinctly as the act of forgiving but, what is it truly? There have been instances in my life in the past five years where I’ve had to forgive people but, after todays events I’m almost positive I’ve never actually forgiven them. My coping mechanism is cutting people off, I hate dealing with emotions especially when there are layers of complication intertwined amongst the feelings. Let’s be honest it’s so much easier to shut someone out of your life than to actually talk about what’s bothering you. I guess it’s in this statement I understand the root of my problem.

Someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time got back into contact with me this morning. Just seeing their name on the screen of my phone gave me this overwhelming feeling of anxiety, this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The only way to accurately describe it was this sense of impending doom. Exaggerations aside I knew whatever they had to say was going to send me into a tailspin of emotional proportions. With a deep breath I opened the message, what they had to say wasn’t bad but, all the emotions I’ve repressed surfaced in a way I wasn’t prepared for. Anger and bitterness charged through me with a force I hadn’t expected. You would think after a couple of years I would have let go of some of it but it was still all there, all encompassing and angry as hell.

The tears that fell were not because of what they said but for what they had done to me. Why almost two years later am I still angry? Because I pushed that person aside, I saw their façade fall away and what was left behind was frightening. Their true form was something more sinister than I was prepared for. It was someone who didn’t wish me well, someone who wanted me to fail; sentiments that weren’t of the friendly variety. From that moment I was left with nothing but emotional vinegar, a bitterness that was all encompassing.

I’m here today to tell you to never be like me. Don’t hold on to bitterness. Forgiveness although simplistic in definition has undertones of complication and intricacies that are frankly unknown but, do your best to brave the complexities and let go. I’m a living example that you accomplish nothing by holding on.

It would be a great ending to this blog if I made a pledge to forgive this person and all the people who’ve wronged me but, that would be a lie. That’s something I promised myself I would never do here, lie about how I feel. I can’t change in the span of an hour but, what I can do is make a conscious choice to not regress into old habits. I think that’s what this blog is really about, taking steps, however minute they may be, towards what I hope is a better me.

If my life were a Greek tragedy I think the Chorus would echo my sentiments; forgiveness should be more than just an idea, it should be present, it should consume you because it’s better to be consumed by forgiveness than by anger.